Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

Creative Problem Solving

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

Mhm.

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

Not with that attitude

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

adding to the discourse