How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
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“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*