Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

😂🐈‍⬛

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.