Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

Guys which shade of gery should I get

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.