How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
we’re dead?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Called it
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?