How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
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Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.