How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
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Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo