How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
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I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.