Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

Somebody call the cops.

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.