How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
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5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.