Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

Thursday

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.