Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest