How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
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On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Overindulged this afternoon.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?