How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
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ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Shortcut
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.