Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
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Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Every time my phone rings
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
When news reporters do sports stories
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*