Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.