Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

Her: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby, it’s cold outside

Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.