Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.