Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

Scream sneezers need love too.

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

Gemma Correll

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff