How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
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so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.