How to properly lift a body
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Sharon, call the vet
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial