How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
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**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Well, shit
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?