I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
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I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.