How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
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me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
