Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

The Book. The Movie.

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti