Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

thanksgiving in nutshell

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….