Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

#NoRestForTheWicked

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

when you don’t want to be too vague

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now