HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
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me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
2022 will be better than 2021
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
And bowling should be called pinball
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on