Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.