HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
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Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
