Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

May never get over this

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

What a chick magnet..

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.