How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
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I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Hmm, not sure about this change
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Haha good job!!
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.