How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
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Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.