How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
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Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
*3.5 thank you very much.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.