Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Man these end times are taking forever

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

Feels like the fourth month in January

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!