How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
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Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Breaking news:
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink