Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running
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Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
One man’s sprinkler is another man’s bidet
Me: Are you done cleaning?
Me: So what should you be doing?
She cleans like me.
[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]
“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”
“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”
7yo: I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I’M GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
THIS GIRL IS WEARING PINK CAMOUFLAGE WHERE ARE THERE PINK FORESTS
What I hated the most in Facebook?
WOLVERINE’S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE’S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine’s Dad