@PanicRestroom

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

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@ABurgerADay

Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

@theshamingofjay

[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]

“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”

Yes.

“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I’M GOING TO BED EARLY

Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT

@Dustinkcouch

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

@shadonium

What I hated the most in Facebook?
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@AnnDabromowitz

WOLVERINE’S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE’S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine’s Dad