how to screw with your cat’s head 101
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I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
What do you text your spouse?
