how to screw with your cat’s head 101
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Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Meow
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
peeing after esex so i don’t get an hdmi