Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*