Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!