Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”