How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
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Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I mean…but I did
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I wish I were this cool 😂
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance