How to shape your eyebrows
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If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
girls literally only want one thing..
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.