How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
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27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
.. do you even science?
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“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
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me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.