Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!