Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

#catsoftwitter

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!