Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week