How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
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Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground