How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
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karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?