Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

groan^2

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?