Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

This meeting could have been a cake

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

4: “Can I say fuh?”

Me: “Don’t…”

4: “Can I say king?!”

Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over