How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
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If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
How dramatic are you?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t