#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
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Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.