How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
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“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time