How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
And then there were 4
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Huge if true.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I need to get some bricks…
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…