Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder