How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
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Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”