How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
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Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.