mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
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Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before