Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

Not my job 😂

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

😂🖐️

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.