Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

April 1st is the class clown of days.

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.