Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how was your vacation

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

found a horse’s reddit account