HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
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IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet