how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
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I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married