Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

*struts into the new year
~ trips

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.