Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

“No way.” -Jose

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

who’s gonna tell her?

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?