Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

Made something I’m not proud of

My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

Did I do this right

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.