How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
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You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”