How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
You Might Also Like
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I like long walks away from everyone
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.