How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
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Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
But that’s none of my business
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.