How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
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Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one