How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
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[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles