How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
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*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
The two types of wives
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse