Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?