How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
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Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
wish me luck lads
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭