How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
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Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
titanic
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.