How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
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Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
it’s finally my moment to shine
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
*seductively corrects your posture*
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂