Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.

Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

Twitter is the new flypaper.

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.