How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I’ve had relationships like this
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
😂😂😂
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON