How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
You Might Also Like
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.